You Make Me Do Too Much Labor:Combating Depression, Anxiety and Burnout in Working Mothers

American mothers are facing a mental health crisis. They are experiencing depression, anxiety, and burnout. This may manifest in feelings of rage, tearfulness, exhaustion, feeling overwhelmed, not being able to sit still or focus and concentrate. Not only do women feel that they are failing in the professional domain, but they also feel they are failing as mothers. The experience can be very lonely and isolating, especially in the shadow of social media where influencers seem so put together. 

We are in desperate need of societal overhauls to support families and working mothers (i.e., subsidized child care, flexible work environments and parental leave policies). In their absence, it is important to acknowledge for ourselves that it is difficult to balance work and motherhood. Everyone is struggling in their own ways and women need to define for themselves what this balance will look like for them and their family. 

Start by thinking of yourself as a battery and it's your responsibility to make sure you remain charged. First, you protect the charge you have by setting realistic expectations. Second, you recharge with the activities which make you feel rested and joyful. Third, you surround yourself with the right support system, which can both protect your charge and recharge you.

Setting Realistic Expectations

Combating the distress that accompanies managing two roles without enough support in either begins with setting realistic expectations. 

1.) Flexibility is key when setting expectations. Start by asking yourself the question “what needs to give in order for me to be successful with this task?” Maybe you change where you do it, how you do it or when you do it. You can even change who does it! Remember to delegate! 

2.) Learn to say no. When you say no to others, you are saying yes to yourself. Just remember that every time you volunteer for a new work task or accept an invitation, you are giving up valuable energy. So make sure it’s worth it whenever you say “yes.”

3.) Perfectionism: Perfect really is the enemy of good. We waste so much battery trying to make things perfect, often when others would not even notice or care. This comes at an expense to our battery, so watch out for trying to be perfect.

Cultivating a Life Outside Work and Kids

While family and work give us a sense of purpose, they may not always bring us joy. It is hard to feel joyful when you are sleep deprived, haven’t showered and need to be on a zoom call in 10 minutes but the baby won’t stop crying. That is why it is important to curate moments where you can feel joy.

1.) Engage in something creative: Whether you are arranging flowers, painting, creating recipes or taking a dance class, it is critical to have some creative outlet in your life. 

2.) Spend time alone with other adults: You might be in dire need of a date night, a girls trip, brunch with your sister or a phone call with your high school friends. 

3.) Do something restful: Do not underestimate the power of resting. Sometimes rest can be a splurge like a spa trip or massage. Other times it can be reading a book in a cozy chair or taking a walk on the beach. Whatever rest means to you, you need to schedule and plan for it, so mark it regularly in your calendar. 

Find Your People

No woman is an island. You’re going to need support both at work and home. Having a robust support system can help buffer you from stress and also allow you a place to be your authentic self.

1.) Lean on your co-parenting partner: It is critical to keep the lines of communication open with any individuals who are raising your children with you, be it a spouse, a co-parent or relative. Ask for help when you are starting to feel overwhelmed. Also recruit them to help you carve out time for yourself.

2.) Reach out to co-workers or managers when you are stressed. If you have been saying no, setting realistic expectations and asking for help but still feel overwhelmed, it's time to rope in your manager. It can be challenging to be vulnerable, but when we are, it allows others to help us. 

3.) Spend time with other parents: Other parents can validate our experiences, share their resources and wisdom and model for you their own strategies. While it is nice to spend time with parents whose kids are the same age as yours, there is also value to spending time with parents who have older children, as they can give you a glimpse of what is ahead. Spending time with parents with younger children can also remind you how far you’ve come and that you’ve survived those trials and tribulations

When to seek professional help?

If you have been trying the above strategies but are still feeling anxiety, sadness, overwhelmed, angry, fatigued, tearful or restless, you may benefit from working with a mental health professional. A mental health therapist or psychiatrist can help identify whether or not you are experiencing burnout or clinical depression or anxiety.

Don’t wait until things feel unbearable—support is closer than you think. Call 408-459-6246 or email me at srizvi@sarahrizviphd.com to schedule an appointment and start your journey back to balance.