Matrescence: The Transition to Motherhood
The transformation of a woman to a mother is called “matrescence.” This is a little known anthropological term that is gaining more traction these days. During this period, everything changes. Your body changes. Your hormones are in flux. Societal expectations of you are focused on the little human you are raising. Most importantly, it seems your identity is completely overhauled. Often mothers worry they will never be the same again…and in some ways this is true. This may lead to a whirlwind of emotions and feeling out of control, guilty over their decisions and wants, experiencing grief and confusion. This doesn’t mean you are clinically depressed or anxious, you are just going through the normative emotions of matrescence.
You actually have been through something similar before… you called it adolescence. The awkwardness and emotional turmoil of this period was normalized. There were “coming of age” movies and books about it. Your parents may have had some skills to deal with it. You had a rough idea of when it would end. If only society would start treating matrescence the same way! Instead we are shown pictures of happy mothers nursing cooperative babies! We see Instagram pics of infants sleeping angelically in their smiling mother’s arms, when in reality that mother may have been walking that infant up and down the hallway all night to get them to sleep!
Part of the reason why matrescence is so emotional is because we are not discussing how hard this period can be. We are not discussing what it means to lose parts of our identity to motherhood. While being a mother can be very rewarding, we give up a lot to take on this role. We give up careers, hobbies, relationships and often our own self-care. We are also told that everything centers around the child and lose ourself in this relationship. We are altering the things that used to define us, and wouldn’t that leave anyone feeling unsteady? When I’m working with new moms, part of my job is helping them figure out how they are going to balance who they were before with who they are becoming now. It is a difficult juggling act that requires patience, self-awareness and a lot of trial and error.
We do this by identifying values, desires and needs. We figure out how to be flexible in the face of the challenges of the transition to motherhood and how to let go of unrealistic expectations. Matrescence is a transition. All transitions are stressful, even if you felt really prepared for them. You will not always feel so lost, so out of control or confused. Be compassionate with yourself and honest with your loved ones about how you are doing. This is the biggest job of your life, it’s not supposed to be easy! It also doesn’t always have to be so hard, so reach out for help and support when you are feeling overwhelmed or stuck. When we are all finally talking about matresence, we will have more support to cope with the changes.
To find a mental health provider who specializes in perinatal mental health and can support you through matrescence, please visit the Postpartum Support International Provider Directory.